原：The absence of groupwork is a disaster for teenagers in modern society.
改：The absence of teamwork is a disaster for teenagers in modern society.
原：You will be dangerous if you keep moving without a clear view of the whole picture.
改：You will be in danger if you keep moving without a clear view of the whole picture.
评：dangerous表示所修饰的对象是“带来危险的，有危险性的”，而be in danger才是“身处险境”的意思。
原：Firstly, the job, providing the opportunity for students to utilize what they learned in class, might effect their further development.
改：Firstly, the job, providing the opportunity for students to utilize what they learned in class, might affect their further development.
原：Nowadays, people are crazy pursuing to be excellent.
改：Nowadays, people are crazy about excellence.
评：这位同学显然记错了be crazy about sth. 这个用法，写出来的句子自然会出问题啦。
原：Besides, public speech can effectively increase your communication skills, which facilitate your salesman career.
改：Besides, public speech can effectively improve your communication skills, which facilitate your salesman career.
评：此处是一个明显的动宾搭配错误。“提高……技巧”应该是improve the skills，而不是increase the skills.
原：I will forget my sad and pressure from the work and the study.
改：I will forget my sadness and pressure from work and study.
原：Although making money is a priority for most people, spending time with the family is equal significant.
改：…, spending time with the family is equally significant.
原：Although I have no work experience when I was a teenager, I always dreamed about having a job.
改：Although I had no work experience when I was a teenager, I always dreamed about having a job.
原：I would explain my view in the following paragraphs.
改：I’d like to explain… / I will explain…
原：The way we deal with the environmental problems are crucial to the prosperity of human-being.
改：The way we deal with the environmental problems is crucial to the prosperity of human-being.
原：From my point of view, I think this argument is quite limited since many other ways can also help learning a foreign country.
改：From my point of view, this argument is quite limited since many other ways can also help us learn a foreign country.
评：from my point of view和I think重复啦，保留一个就好。当然这里建议留下更“高级”的from my point of view.
原：There are the majority of people who deem that they like to spend money on things which can bring them long memory.
改：Majority of the people like to spend money on things that can be memorized for long.
“things that can be memorized for long”，被动语态明显更地道~